Boundaries…what are they and how to set them
Do you have a hard time saying no? Do you feel overwhelmed and burnt out? Do you feel like others use you and don’t give back? Do you feel resentful? Then you may have an issues with setting and upholding boundaries…
A boundary is a limit established between yourself and others. Having healthy boundaries can help you protect your time, energy and resources.
Examples of healthy boundaries:
“I need to be in bed at 10PM.”
“No, I do not want to drink alcohol.”
“I cannot lend you money right now.”
“No, I don’t want to have sex.”
“I will not work outside of my office hours.”
…However, many people find it hard to set and enforce healthy boundaries…
Porous boundaries
Many people have so called “porous boundaries.” These boundaries are vaguely defined and or inconsistently enforced, and therefore end up being breached. For example, you do not enjoy going out after work for drinks with your colleagues, but you go every week anyway in an effort to gain their approval and avoid disappointing them. People who have porous boundaries may identify as being a “people pleaser”, have a hard time saying “no”, are overly concerned with the opinions of others, afraid of rejection or emotionally enmeshed with others. You may have a tendency to feel responsible for other people’s emotions and be compelled to help or “fix” them. These people may also find it hard to priroritize their own goals and needs. You may notice that people take advantage of you or even “walk all over you.” This may leave you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful. In the worst case, it may lead to others’ disrespecting or even abusing you.
Rigid boundaries
Rigid boundaries are the opposite of porous boundaries. Rigid boundaries are absolute in nature. Using the above example, a person with rigid boundaries would never go for drinks with their colleagues. This kind of rigid boundary may protect your time, but it may create distance between you and others, thus isolating you. Someone with this kind of boundary is unlikely to form relationships with others. People who are more likely to enforce rigid boundaries are people who fear showing their true self e.g. for fear of judgment or criticism. These kinds of people find it hard to ask for help or rely on others. Generally, rigid boundaries are too inflexible and don’t work well in social settings and relationships, but may be necessary or desirable to enforce in certain situations.
Healthy boundaries
Healthy boundaries are somewhere in between porous and rigid, and what one should aim for. A healthy boundary honors your own needs and values, while leaving space for those of others’. Someone who enforces healthy boundaries is able to function interdependently with others. So not co-dependently, but also not entirely independently.
Boundary Tips:
A boundary should be based on your values, beliefs and needs
State your boundary clearly
Use “I” statements when expressing boundaries, rather than “you” statements. Remember that boundaries are yours
Be consistent with your boundaries
Get used to feeling uncomfortable when first setting boundaries with others
Keep an open and flexible mind as boundaries can shift and change over time
Be prepared that others may react negatively to your boundaries, but this should not be a reason for you to forget about it
Establish consequences if someone repeatedly disrespects your boundaries
Don’t cave in and start apologising or over-explaining yourself
Respect other people’s boundaries